Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Wear something black.

Wear something black.

When anyone asks me for fashion advice. "Wear something black."

Same snap is already in their story.

Same snap is already in their story

When people send you snaps but that same snap is already in their story.
* photograph of Drake looking confused *

When you've been on a diet for 3 whole hours...

When you've been on a diet for 3 whole hours
When you've been on a diet for 3 whole hours and you're not even skinny yet.
* photograph of woman with her hand over her face and the caption "dis tew much" / "this is too much" *

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

When you order a salad to cancel out your week of binge eating.

When you order a salad to cancel out your week of binge eating
When you order a salad to cancel out your week of binge eating and feel healthy AF.

I end every piece of advice with "idk though"...

I end every piece of advice with "idk though"

I end every piece of advice with "idk though", so that it's not my fault if I ruin your life.

When I ask for the price of something...

When I ask for the price of something

When I ask for the price of something and it turns out to be expensive AF, so I have to act like I'm thinking about it.
* DJ Khalid holding his chin *

Saturday, November 26, 2016

When people ask me what I do for fun.



When people ask me what I do for fun.
* picture of Homer Simpson sleeping *

When you see a cute guide dog.

When you see a cute guide dog.

When you see a cute guide dog but you can't pet it because it's a hard working professional.

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Evil Kermit Memes

A set of those "Evil Kermit Memes" - the "me to me" Kermit the Frog memes that represent your darker side.

Tell him goodnight at 5pm.
Me: I should calmly explain to him what's bothering me.
Me to me: Tell him goodnight at 5pm.

Cry and accuse him of not loving you.
Me: I have no comeback for his argument.
My mind: Cry and accuse him of not loving you.
Me: But...
My mind: I said what I said.

Keep it open so everyone can see your outfit.
Me: It's cold outside. I should close my jacket.
My brain: Keep it open so everyone can see your outfit.
Me: But it's co...
My brain: The outfit...


"It's _____ birthday."
Me: Let me go tell them happy birthday real quick.
Also me: Did they tell you happy birthday?

evil kermit
Me: I'm only meeting him to chill.
Me to me: Shave yourself just in case x.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Don't discuss Titanic with Joe.

Don't discuss Titanic with Joe

Obama: Don't discuss Titanic with Joe (Joe Biden).
DiCaprio: Why?
Obama: He's still upset. He thinks you could have fit on that door, and I don't disagree.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Not usually a sign guy, but geez.

Not usually a sign guy, but geez.

One of my favourite signs from this giant protest in New York City today:

"Not usually a sign guy, but geez."

Trump Oompa Loompa

Trump Oompa Loompa
Be careful who you call ugly in middle school.
* comparison of an Oompa Loompa and President Elect Donald Trump *

Obama: Who's funeral is this again?

So, who's funeral is this again?
Obama: So, who's funeral is this again?
Joe Biden: America.
Obama: Joe...

Every mom on Christmas...

Every mom on Christmas

Every mom on Christmas while you opening up that gift they swore they weren't getting you.
* picture of a kid smiling and holding a cup *

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Everyone's slamming Donald Trump

Everyone's slamming Donald Trump

Everyone's slamming Donald Trump but I didn't see Hilary Clinton help Kevin find the lobby (in reference to Home Alone 2, which Trump had a brief cameo appearance in).

Trump Googling "What does the President do?"

Trump: What does the President do?

A photograph of US President Elect Donald Trump Googling the phrase "what does the president do?"

Thursday, November 3, 2016

I hate when I show my mom a funny video / pic...

I hate when I show my mom a funny video / pic

I hate when I show my mom a funny video / pic and she says "who is that?"
I don't know. Just laugh and give my phone back.

When there are only 2 months left in 2016...

When there are only 2 months left in 2016

When there are only 2 months left in 2016 and you've achieved nothing.

Me after a long day of pretending to like people

Me after a long day of pretending to like people

Me after a long day of pretending to like people.
* photograph of a demon / devil sitting in the bath with wine and candles *

I like my grapes like I like my men.

I like my grapes like I like my men.
Look how dark these are.
* picture of black grapes *
I like my grapes like I like my men.
Good one.
25 at a time.
Oh wow.

Brendon Chaney: Admits he threw a pinecone.

Admits he threw a pinecone

Witness:
Brendan Chaney.
Admits that he threw a pinecone.