Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Saturday, October 22, 2016

Hilary Clinton representing Death Row Records.

Hilary Clinton representing Death Row Records


We gone sit here and act like Hilary Clinton ain't been representing Death Row Records at all 3 debates?
* comparison photograph's of Clinton in her suits, alongside 2Pac, Suge Knight and Snoop Dogg *

Friday, October 21, 2016

Joe Biden: Barack, please don't leave me with them.

Barack, please don't leave me with them

Joe Biden: "Barack, please don't leave me with them."
Obama: "Joe, you're leaving when I leave."
Joe Biden: "Oh right. Lmao. Love you."

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

When you tell yourself you're gonna start exercising...

When you tell yourself you're gonna start exercising and eating clean.

When you tell yourself you're gonna start exercising and eating clean.
* picture of Pinocchio and his nose, which grows whenever he lies *

Whenever somebody calls me to hang out.

Whenever somebody calls me to hang out.
Whenever somebody calls me to hang out.
* photograph of Kip Dynamite from the movie Napoleon Dynamite with the caption "Looks at nachos. I'm busy." *

Ugh, I'm broke as heck.

Ugh, I'm broke as heck. Llama

Me: Ugh, I'm broke as heck.
Boss: Wanna go home early?
Me: * picture of a llama leaping over a fence *

RIP USA: 1776-2016 Tombstone.

USA tombstone
Probably the best Halloween decorations I've seen yet:
* photograph of a tombstone that reads "The USA 1776-2016" - obviously in reference to the ridiculous nature of this year's presidential election *

Stress is bad for the baby.

Stress is bad for the baby.

Me: Sorry, I can't come into work today. The stress is bad for the baby.
My boss: What baby?
Me: Me.

Pregnant with cat.

Pregnant with cat

A funny set of comparison photographs showing what looks to be a woman going through the various stages of pregnancy - only for a cat to emerge.

Finally, I understand why cars have these things.

Finally, I understand why cars have these things.
Finally, I understand why cars have these things.
* picture of a woman eating her lunch off the spoiler of a car *

Dress for the job you want.

Dress for the job you want.

Them: Dress for the job you want.
Me: * picture of a woman dressed as a bed - pillows and all *

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Dealing with my responsibilities.

Dealing with my responsibilities
Dealing with my responsibilities:
Jackie - you can't just white out a question that you don't want to answer.

All the dogs I haven't pet.

All the dogs I haven't pet

Me at night thinking about all of the dogs that I haven't petted.

Sunday, October 16, 2016

When your friend is one year older than you.

When your friend is one year older than you.

When your friend is one year older than you.
* picture of a young person with an elderly person *

Aneeda Khan.


Dropping hints that you're a low key alcoholic:
* screenshot of a girl's Facebook page - Aneeda Khan "I Need A Can" *

When the vodka kicks in...


When the vodka kicks in and your confidence skyrockets.

When you pretend to be shocked by drama.

When you pretend to be shocked by drama
When you pretend to be shocked by drama but you lowkey live for it.

When she wants to meet your dad but you do too.

When she wants to meet your dad but you do too.
When she wants to meet your dad but you do too.
* picture of a man crying with tears running down his face *

When bae don't text you.

When bae don't text you
When bae don't text you.
* picture of woman with captions such as "crying on the inside", "I'm okay", "smiling through the pain" and "holding back the tears". *

Microsoft Office pun.

Microsoft Office pun
Boss: How good are you at PowerPoint?
Me: I Excel at it.
Boss: Was that a Microsoft Office pun?
Me: Word.

90s teen movie insults.

90s teen movie insults

I want to start using more 90s teen movie insults.
"Cancel my subscription. I'm over your issues."

Saturday, October 15, 2016

Who's Abby?

Who's Abby?

Screenshot of an SMS message where the guy mistakenly types another girl's name:

Sorry babe, I was sleeping.
Oh, I'm sorry baby.
No, it's okay Abby.
Baby
*
Oh God, here we go.
Who's Abby?
Yup, there it is.
Who's Abby?

When you're drunk and start being friends with everyone.

When you're drunk and start being friends with everyone

When you're drunk af (as f*ck) and start being friends with everyone.
* picture of a small dog swimming with dolphins *

Oh, you're a real Trump fan? Name 3 of his songs then.

Oh, you're a real Trump fan? Name 3 of his songs then.

Oh, you're a real Trump fan? Name 3 of his songs then.
* picture of US Presidential nominee Donald Trump singing into a microphone *

Friday, October 14, 2016

* Weather drops 2 degrees *

Weather drops 2 degrees
* weather drops 2 degrees *
Girl starts listening to the Michael Buble Christmas album and drinking hot chocolate in her reindeer pajamas.

When you finish your french fries...

When you finish your french fries
When you finish your french fries but you find extra ones at the bottom of the bag.

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Why does my sister think it's OK to steal.

Why does my sister think it's OK to steal.
Me, after finding my own shit in my sister's room while I'm stealing hers: "Why does my sister think it's okay to steal?"

Your happiness is sitting right here.

Your happiness is sitting right here.

When you're with bae and they start smiling at their phone.
"Excuse me, but your happiness is sitting right here."

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

The Bone Identity

The Bone Identity

The Bone Identity - featuring Ken Bone, who sprung to fame after the recent presidential debate.

She whispers: "Build that wall."

she whispers build that wall
When you're hitting it from the back and she whispers "Build that wall."
* picture of Donald Trump *

All these keys...

All these keys, but I still can't seem to find the one to your heart.

All these keys, but I still can't seem to find the one to your heart.

Monday, October 10, 2016

Sunday, October 9, 2016

Who would throw a fire away?

Who would throw a fire away?

Just saw a fire in a bin.
Who would throw a fire away?

What bills he pay to be slamming doors in my house.

What bills he pay to be slamming doors in my house.

You're in your house and you hear a door slam, you turn around and see him... what do you do?
* picture of Michael Myers from the Halloween movie series *
Ask him what bills he pay to be slamming doors in my fuckin' house.

Saturday, October 8, 2016

Hurricane Matthew - Harambe

Hurricane Matthew - Harambe
Why does Hurricane Matthew look like the ghost of Harambe coming back to seek revenge on the human race?

When Tom Cruise puts his car into cruise control.

When Tom Cruise puts his car into cruise control.
When Tom Cruise puts his car into cruise control.
* pictures of Tom Cruise laughing manically *

Bill Clinton: I am really stoned, lol.

Bill Clinton: I am really stoned, lol.

Screenshot of Bill Clinton having a stoned Twitter conversation with himself:

Bill Clinton: I am really stoned, lol.
Bill Clinton: Me too.
Bill Clinton: Oh shit, dat me.

Thursday, October 6, 2016

Today, kids want the iPhone 7...

Today, kids want the iPhone 7

Today, kids want the iPhone 7. When I was a kid, all I wanted was to be able to do a Lanyard box stitch.

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Capitalism on planets - Coincidence?

Capitalism on planets - Coincidence

An accurate graph showing which planets in our solar system have capitalism and how many deaths have occurred on each one. Is it a coincidence that the one planet with capitalism has had over 120,000,000,000 deaths?

When you hear people arguing in the street

When you hear people arguing in the street

When you hear people arguing in the street.
* pic of Homer Simpson inconspicuously looking out of upstairs window *

Slow curve ahead...

Slow curve ahead

When her replies are gradually getting shorter and less frequent.
* picture of a sign saying "Slow Curve Ahead" *

Katie literally died...

so relatable that she literally died
Hi Mrs. Jackson. I'm sorry, but Katie won't be making it to school today. She was browsing memes last night and saw one that was so relatable that she literally died.

Monday, October 3, 2016

I bought a beer sleeve that looks like a ballistic vest.

dog ballistic vest

I bought a beer sleeve that looks like a ballistic vest and it fits my dog.

When the whole squad cancels...

When the whole squad cancels

When the whole squad cancels but you're a strong, independent young person who don't need no friends.
* picture of man on water ride by himself *