Thursday, September 29, 2016

When you're mad at bae and look for any reason to get out of the house.

When you're mad at bae and look for any reason to get out of the house.

When you're mad at bae and look for any reason to get out of the house.
* photograph of man washing his car in the rain *

I'm so tired I'm gonna sleep right away.

I'm so tired I'm gonna sleep right away.

I'm so tired I'm gonna sleep right away.
* checks IG *
* checks timeline *
* checks Snapchat *
* watches 34 Youtube videos *
* eats 5 course meal *

Netflix - Why are your grades so low?

Netflix - Why are your grades so low?

"Why are your grades so low?"
"Why do you always look so tired?"
"Why don't you ever leave the house?"
* photograph of woman hugging television screen with Netflix logo on it *

On the toilet looking at memes.

On the toilet looking at memes

When you get up after spending forty-six minutes on the toilet looking at memes.
* picture of elderly man unable to walk properly *

Oh, here's 30 cents.

Oh, here's 30 cents

Me: Your total is 9.95.
Customer: * hands over cash *
Me: * types amount into the system *
Customer: Oh, here's 30 cent.
* picture of extremely confused woman trying to do math equations *

I live for the moment when my phone is fully charged...

I live for the moment when my phone is fully charged

I live for the moment when my phone is fully charged, so I can unplug it and roll to the other side of the bed.

Trump better not get in my face...

Trump better not get in my face

Joe Biden: Trump better not get in my face, because I'll drop that motherfucker.
Obama: Joe. Shut up.

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

When she promised you were only watching a movie...

When she promised you were only watching a movie

When she promised you were only watching a movie and you feel her hand crawl up your thigh.
* picture of The Office character Michael Scott screaming *

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Not the best, but still good.

Not the best, but still good.

So tell me a little bit about yourself.
* picture of a pack of oranges with the label "Not the best, but still good" on them *

New Employee - This is where I come to cry.

This is where I come to cry.

When they ask you to show the new employee around.
* screenshot of Bart Simpson and Milhouse exploring a small cave *
"This is where I come to cry."
"Cool."

Monday, September 26, 2016

Sunday, September 25, 2016

Boy, whatchu know about this?

Boy, whatchu know about this?

Me: * puts on any song by a black person from the 1970s or 1980s *
Dad: * walks in, drunk as fuck * "Boy, whatchu know about this?"

White culture is so beautiful and mysterious.

White culture is so beautiful and mysterious

White culture is so beautiful and mysterious.
* photographs of a couple getting married in Shrek / Princess Fiona costumes and makeup *

When someone says "you're like, 12"...

When someone says you're like, 12

When someone says "you're like, 12", but you're really 14 and a half.
* picture of young teenagers sticking up their middle fingers *

What's wrong, tiny pupper?

What's wrong, tiny pupper?

What's wrong, tiny pupper?
* photograph of Lenin's statue being pulled down - the idea being that tiny pupper is a fully fledged communist *

Twatt.

Twatt

I found where you live.
* photograph of a road sign that says "Twatt" *

Just a little wing today.

Just a little wing today

"Just a little wing today."
2 seconds later:
* photo of somebody completely overdoing their eyeliner *

When I look up to the sky at night...

When I look up to the sky at night

When I look up to the sky at night, I think of you.
* picture of a half-moon being used to spell the word "cunt" *

Saturday, September 24, 2016

When you tell her slow down...

When you tell her slow down

When you tell her "slow down" but she heard "show off, do tricks and start wilding tf out."

Listening to illegally downloaded music like...

Listening to illegally downloaded music like

Listening to illegally downloaded music like.
* picture of kid listening to music while wearing a ski mask *

When you find the perfect skipping rock...

When you find the perfect skipping rock

When you find the perfect skipping rock but mess up when you throw it.
* various pics of an inconsolable man *

Kelly Rowland - Microsoft Excel.

Kelly Rowland - Microsoft Excel

2002 was weird. Kelly Rowland texted her boyfriend via Microsoft Excel and got mad because he didn't text back.

When you're drunk and catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror.

When you're drunk and catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror.

When you're drunk and catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror.
Painting of woman with the captions:
"Who the fuck is that?"
"Oh shit..."
"Dat me."

Friday, September 23, 2016

When all two of your friends are busy.

When all two of your friends are busy

When all two of your friends are busy.
* picture of man standing / sitting around and looking bored / lost *

What's it like being a truck?

What's it like being a truck?

Hey, what's up?
What's it like being a truck?
What do you mean? I'm not a truck, lol.
Profile pictures don't lie.
Lol, I have other pics than my truck, lol, but I do love my truck.
That's what a truck would say.

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

You wore that before.

You wore that before.

"You wore that before."
Yeah, bitch. It's my shirt and I have a washing machine.
* photograph of Usher looking very confused *

When you're clingy, yet distant.

When you're clingy, yet distant.

When you're clingy, yet distant, and don't want to come off too strong, but you need mad affection but you get annoyed easily, so...
* picture of two people lying on separate beds and holding hands *

Jennifer Aniston: New phone, who dis?

Jennifer Aniston: New phone, who dis?

Brad Pitt: What's up Jen?
Jennifer Aniston: New phone, who dis?

The 5th doctor is a loser lmao

The 5th doctor is a loser lmao

Studies show that 4/5 doctors believe drinking alcohol regularly isn't a big deal. The 5th doctor is a fucking loser lmao.

Classic Alfredo

Classic Alfredo

When your funny friend Alfredo makes a joke.
* picture of a bottle of "Classic Alfredo" *

What up hoe?

What up hoe?

It takes 30 seconds to type a text message that will make her smile for hours.
* screenshot of an SMS message saying "What up hoe?"

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

GF: Dominate me. (Rust map).

GF: Dominate me Rust MW2

Girlfriend: Dominate me.
Me: * picture of Free For All loading on the map Rust *

For those of you that are out of the loop, Rust was a popular map on the first-person shooter game Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. Because the map was extremely small, it was often used whenever two players wanted to take each other on 1v1. The joke here is that he is so used to playing Call of Duty that he has missed the sexual cue and is now looking to dominate his girlfriend in a 1v1 quickscoping match.

Sunday, September 18, 2016

When people ask me why I'm single.

When people ask me why I'm single.

When people ask me why I'm single.
* photograph of a guy wearing a jumper that says "I'm a luxury few can afford" *

Pillaging Constantinople

Pillaging Constantinople

Me: I'll go out for a beer or 2 but I'm not attacking and pillaging Constantinople.
* 15 beers later *
* painting of Constantinople being attacked *

Saturday, September 17, 2016

Decide to move dope instead.

Decide to move dope instead

When they start adding the alphabet to Math and you decide to move dope instead.
* four-panel pic of a man slowly fading away from a classroom *

Guess who I'm talking to again.

Guess who I'm talking to again.

When your homegirl says "guess who I'm talking to again but you can't get mad."
* pic of Peter Griffin from Family Guy with extra long nails *

When I hear a wine bottle open.

When I hear a wine bottle open.

When I hear a wine bottle open.
* photograph of a little girl smiling and holding her hand up to her ear *

OK lettuce head.

OK lettuce head.
So today, I was looking at a girl because she had a piece of lettuce in her hair and she looks at me and says "I have a boyfriend." OK lettuce head.

Y'all wild, lmao.

Y'all wild, lmao.
When you go through a light as it's turning red and you noticed the car behind you went too, and you like "Y'all wild, lmao."

Friday, September 16, 2016

That's over. It's cancelled.

That's over. It's cancelled.

Me: So I really like this boy.
Me a week later: That's over. It's cancelled.

Dying in a field from drinking too much vodka.

Dying in a field from drinking too much vodka.

Nothing like the days when you'd tell your parents you were at a sleepover and you'd really be dying in a field from drinking too much vodka.

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

She actually gives you a straight answer.

She actually gives you a straight answer

When you ask your girl where she wants to eat at and she actually gives you a straight answer.
* photo of Sesame Street character Elmo looking shocked and a nuclear explosion going off in the background *

Monday, September 12, 2016

When you hear Hillary's health is fading.

When you hear Hillary's health is fading

When you hear Hillary's health is fading.
* picture of Bernie Sanders running *

A hard to open pistachio.

A hard to open pistachio

Who would make a better president?
* image of graph showing the following results *
Hillary Clinton: 6%
Donald Trump: 4%
A hard to open pistachio: 90%

Saturday, September 10, 2016

Hackerman - Reset the router.

Hackerman - Reset the router.

When your Internet isn't working and you reset the router to fix it.
* photo of Hackerman *

First Harambe, now the AUX cord.

First Harambe, now the AUX cord.

First Harambe, now the AUX cord. 2016 can't get any worse.

That's funny, it looks like a sangria.

That's funny, it looks like a sangria.
H: What is that you're having for lunch?
Me: Fruit salad.
H: That's funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: Huh, weird * sips fruit salad *

That's suspicious.

That's suspicious.

My phone started acting up around the time Apple is releasing a new one.
* picture of dog with the caption "That's suspicious..." *

Young Thug vs The Beatles

Young Thug vs The Beatles

Young Thug: "Ay, fuck cancer."
The Beatles: Never wrote a song against cancer, possibly pro-cancer.

The risk I took was calculated...

The risk I took was calculated

The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math.