Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Things were not good.

Narrator: Things were not good.

Friend: How are things?
Me: Things are good!
Narrator: Things were not good.

Spontaniouse

Spontaniouse

Wife: What are we going to name her?
Me: I mean, we weren't really expecting a kid.
Wife: I got it.
* photograph of somebody called Spontaniouse *

Someone's eaten up all of the food

Someone's eaten up all of the food
When you get home and someone's eaten up all of the food that you've been thinking about all day.
* picture of kid crying in front of an open refrigerator *

When your selfie hits 11 likes...

When your selfie hits 11 likes
When your selfie hits 11 likes and switches from names to numbers.
* photo of Kanye West with the caption "This is fame, bro." *

Friday, August 26, 2016

My drink got spiked just by looking at this.

My drink got spiked just by looking at this

My drink got spiked just by looking at this.
* photograph of frat boys in typical frat clothing *

Stop making Harambe memes.

Stop making Harambe memes

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
"Stop making Harambe memes" - Cincinnati Zoo.

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Why I'd be kicked out of the Scooby gang.

 Why I'd be kicked out of the Scooby gang

Why I'd be kicked out of the Scooby gang:

Shaggy: Zoinks!
Scooby: Ruh-roh!
Daphne: Jeepers!
Velma: Jinkies!
Me: Well fuck.

You don't understand meme formats.

You don't understand meme formats
Barber: What you want, fam?
Me: My parents aren't home.
Barber: You don't understand meme formats.
* picture of somebody hitting a blue button labelled "Doggo" *

When someone screenshots your snapchat.

When someone screenshots your snapchat.

When someone screenshots your snapchat:
* picture of Elsa from Frozen with the captain "I trusted you!" *

First woman on the moon.

First woman on the moon.
First woman on the moon:
"Houston, we have a problem."
"What?"
"Nevermind."
"What's the problem?"
"Nothing."
"Please tell us?"
"I'm fine."

When she sends you an essay via text...

When she sends you an essay via text

When she sends you an essay via text and you're trying to figure out which is the most irrelevant part that you're going to reply to.
* photo of Drake looking at his phone *

When you realize you have to sit down and have a talk with yourself.

When you realize you have to sit down and have a talk with yourself.

When you realize you have to sit down and have a talk with yourself.
* image of multiple D.W. Read *

Only garlic bread has no end.

Only garlic bread has no end.

  • Friend
  • Bestfriend
  • Boyfriend
  • Girlfriend
  • Garlic bread
Only garlic bread has no end. Garlic bread will always stay by your side. Share to spread the truth.

Egghausted.

egghausted

Tired?
Nope, just egghausted.
(Jesus Christ, this one is so stupid).

When you're in 3rd grade and the teacher leaves the room.

When you're in 3rd grade and the teacher leaves the room.

When you're in 3rd grade and the teacher leaves the room.
* screenshot of somebody innocently Googling for "cool math games" *

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

When he comes back into the room...


When he comes back into the room and asks why his phone is disabled for 72 hours.
* Photo of a suspicious-looking dog with the caption "Fuck knows hun" written over it *

When you're on a first date and you...

accidentally let some of your personality slip out
When you're on a first date and you accidentally let some of your personality slip out.

When someone tells you gossip you already knew.

When someone tells you gossip you already knew

When someone tells you gossip you already knew but you have to act like you're hearing it for the first time.

Me after doing something embarrassing...

Me after doing something embarrassing

Me after doing something embarrassing that I will replay in my mind for the next 20 years.
* image of Stitch from Lilo & Stitch laying wide awake in his bed *

Talking to your parents after you turn 18.

Talking to your parents after you turn 18.

Talking to your parents after you turn 18.
* Captain Phillips character Abduwali Muse saying "Look at me. I'm the captain now. *

After payday. What organs do humans not need?

After payday. What organs do humans not need?

After payday:
* photo of Leonardo DiCaprio's Wolf of Wall Street character Jordan Belfort throwing money off his boat *
8 days later:
* screenshot of somebody Googling for "what organs do humans not need"

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

When your ex-girlfriend changes the Netflix password.

When your ex-girlfriend changes the Netflix password.

When your ex-girlfriend changes the Netflix password.

I'm just gonna wear a little highlighter.

I'm just gonna wear a little highlighter.

I'm just gonna wear a little highlighter.
* photo of girl with ridiculously overdone makeup *

Men with facial hair (Harambe).

Men with facial hair (Harambe).

Men with facial hair.
* photographs of various men with beards - with a photo of Harambe in the third frame *

When your owner comes home smelling like a different dog.

When your owner comes home smelling like a different dog.
When your owner comes home smelling like a different dog.

Me before a date.

Me before a date: Don't dress weird, don't act weird, don't say anything weird.
Me before a date: Don't dress weird, don't act weird, don't say anything weird.
Me showing up to that date: * photo of man dressed as Billy the Puppet from the movie Saw cycling in on a bike *

Monday, August 22, 2016

This bible verse always keeps me going

This bible verse always keeps me going

This bible verse always keeps me going.
* photograph of Lunch 11:35 written on a whiteboard *

20 chicken nuggets.



Friends: "Is it a boy or a girl?"
Me: "20 chicken nuggets."
* stock photo of two women feeling a pregnant woman's stomach *

Stealing a meme...

Stealing a meme VS Having your meme stolen.

Stealing a meme VS Having your meme stolen.
* side by side comparison picture of a model dinosaur going through varied emotions *

Is it true that you've been a very good boy?

Is it true that you've been a very good boy?

Is it true that you've been a very good boy?
* photo of interviewer holding mic to up dog's mouth *

KFC doesn't even have to try anymore.

KFC doesn't even have to try anymore.

KFC doesn't even have to try anymore. They're just like "come and get your bucket you fat piece of shit."
* photo of KFC sign saying "Bucket" *

Yo, pass the aux.

Yo, pass the aux.

Me: Yo, pass the aux.
Friend: You better not play trash.
Me: * Selects Law & Order theme song. *

When you entered summer in good shape...



When you entered summer in good shape but all you did was eat and drink alcohol and now you're back to being a fat piece of shit.
* photo comparison of Jonah Hill *

When it hasn't been your year...

When it hasn't been your year

When it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.
* photo of Matthew Perry (Chandler) looking pretty worn down *

Can't wait to dig my fork into all of these.

Can't wait to dig my fork into all of these.

Can't wait to dig my fork into all of these.
* photographs of cake, pancakes, an electrical socket and a steak *

Darkness: I have a boyfriend.

Darkness: I have a boyfriend.

Me: Hello darkness my old friend.
Darkness: I have a boyfriend.

Saturday, August 20, 2016

What could spook the spooker?

what could spook the spooker?

Fuck, this is terrifying. Just the thought of what he is looking at. I mean, what could spook the spooker?

Thursday, August 18, 2016

When you say hi to your crush.

When you say hi to your crush and they say hi back.

When you say hi to your crush and they say hi back.
* image of Homer Simpson walking down the stairs wearing a wedding dress *

I just cleaned out my car...

I just cleaned out my car

I just cleaned out my car if anyone needs 47 half empty water bottles.

My GPS is Jesus Christ.

My GPS is Jesus Christ.

* Photo of pick-up truck with the words "My GPS is Jesus Christ" plastered across the back of it *
* Photo of Jesus sitting behind driver and saying "Recalculating, lol." *

Holding hands with bae while driving.

Holding hands with bae while driving.

* picture of man holding his dog's paw *
Holding hands with bae while driving.
She looks so in love with you.
Goals af.

When you lie on your resume and still get the job.

When you lie on your resume and still get the job.

When you lie on your resume and still get the job.
* picture of a cat lying down beside two ornamental lions *

Employer: Any experience with people?

I am a people

Employer: Any experience with people?
Me: I am a people.

When your parents ask what's gonna come through that door.

you never know what's gonna come through that door

When your parents ask what's gonna come through that door.
* Rick Harrison and other members of the Pawn Star cast holding their hands up as if to say "I don't know" *